My entire life, I’ve struggled with self-harm, suicidal tendencies (I’m currently 0 for 6), and clinical depression since I was in middle school. I’ve been hospitalized for months at a time, I’ve been talked about as the crazy girl in school, all the while, no one really understanding what I was going through. No one ever asked. I felt like I wasn’t important, that it didn’t matter if I was around, because who honestly would miss me?

I recently realized it’s around this time of year that my depression and suicidal ideation, hits me the hardest. Especially now since this is during the time I’ve lost so many loved ones to Cancer, especially my Grandfather. The man who was my biggest supporter died overnight. Plasma Cell Leukemia killed him, I had just spoken to him the day before.

Saturday’s were our days. It was the day that we would always talk, every Saturday, no matter what. No matter where in the world I was for work. - Even when I was in Japan - I would get to talk to him daily to tell him about my adventures. Nothing makes me happier than thinking back on those days.

I didn’t mean for this to turn into something depressing, that isn’t the goal of this post. I just wanted those who might not know me, to understand who I am and where I came from. This is something that I struggle with daily. I know exactly much time it takes to cut yourself and clean up the mess before anyone notices. I also know the adrenaline rush you get after is such an insane high, that it’s also hard to describe for those who have never done it. (Don’t do it.)

I’m not going to even get into how I understand how difficult of a decision it is to make to want to commit suicide, but trust me when I say, it’s not an easy one.

Instead of going into a dark depression, I'm going to do something different this year, I’m going to put that energy (or lack thereof) into something that will actually produce some good in the world.

October through December, I’m going to be fundraising for To Write Love on Her Arms.

I’ve never talked about my experiences so much in-depth, especially in public. It makes you feel naked and vulnerable and especially in our society when we don’t talk so openly about mental health.

With this new chapter, I want to change that. I hope even if you don’t donate to the charity and cause, that you at least take back this little piece of information with you.